our baby

i have wanted to be a mother for almost as long as i can remember.

as a child, i loved to help my mother with the baby she took care of; she was like the little sister i never had. i loved to babysit and was occupied most weekends of my highschool days tucking other peoples little ones into bed while they went out on dates. i was always the girl who told my roommates that i would have a baby nine months after i got married. seriously.

the day after brian & i got engaged, i called my oldest brother, whose wife had given birth to number five the day before, and said, "i just wanted to call and let you know that i'll be having a baby in a year: brian and i are engaged!" it was no secret that we wanted a baby, and wanted one soon.

we couldn't have been happier when we found out we were pregnant in october of last year. i was ecstatic. i remember, very clearly, those first couple of months of my pregnancy. the tiny life within me was a secret to most of the people around me, but i could think of little else. i anxiously awaited the time when my belly would begin to swell with the growing baby. i thought of whether it was a boy or girl and what it would be like. i yearned for the calendar to move faster, looking forward to the end of june. i hoped all fingers & toes would be perfect, but i never worried about miscarriage; not once did it cross my mind.

one day, in the middle of december, when i had just passed 12 weeks, we found ourselves at the hospital. i was driven by my sweet sister in law and brian met me there after his final. we found eachother in the waiting room and fell into eachothers arms. i will never forget the way we clutched eachother that day. we let our tears fall. we were admitted to a room. nurses and doctors came in and out. they poked and prodded and asked me questions. and every time they left, we cried. finally, i asked the question i couldn't bear to think of, and a kind nurse gave us the answer, softly, that we didn't want to hear. we had lost our baby.

we're coming up on a year since brian asked me to marry him, coming close to that deadline i gave my brother for a baby, now just a few days away from my would-be due date. i think often of our baby and how close we would now be to welcoming him or her into our little family. my heart aches when i think of that day in december and the sad days and weeks and months that followed. we wanted that baby; we loved that little one already. i know that there are much harder things to go through. i know that some people wait much longer, that some couples are never able to have one of their own. but for me, this is hard. for me, this aches.

although we experienced sadness and lots of tears, i will always thank my Heavenly Father for the tender mercies he showed to us, and to me. just after we had the miscarriage, brian finished his exams and then we went home, home to our families for Christmas. we were spoiled with comfy beds and delicious food and plenty of hugs. we felt healed by the love of our loved ones. brian was incredible. he held my hand and wiped away tears. he hugged me and spoke with me. it is impossible to describe the strength he gave to me when i needed it most. i could not, truly & honestly, have been through that without him.

i will be a mother someday. i don't know when, but i do know that when our little one decides to show up, i'll love that baby with my entire heart. i can't wait.